Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
