i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
