Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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