I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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