He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize