I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
