The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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