This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
