are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize