Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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