I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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