bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize