just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
