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I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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