Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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