And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
