i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
