Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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