are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize