My hand turned me down
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
