Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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