i think my tv is drunk
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
