Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
So squirting runs in the family.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
