dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
