theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I met the friendliest cop last night
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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