ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
