he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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