I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Is it because I queefed?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
