your parents love me but you hate me
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
