I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
