Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
