so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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