I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
