I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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