Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
