Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize