Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
