Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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