Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
