dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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