They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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