I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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