Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
