my phone needs a breathalizer
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize