How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
