Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
