I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If its not for food we ain't going out.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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