So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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