She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
