I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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