sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
