She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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