The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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