Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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