Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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