guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We left the knife in your bed.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
