you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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