Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
