I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
