the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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