so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
